The Joy Of Missing Out
Becoming More Intentional With My Time
Hey Friends,
Last week I was in London for 6 days, saying hi and bye to some friends.
London holds a special place in my heart. It’s where I went to university, played poker, made new friends, fell in love, and created a lifetime of memories.
I love the eclectic architecture. I love the diverse mix of people you encounter. I love the hidden pockets of independent restaurants and coffee shops in East London. I love that there’s so much to see and do.
Whilst hanging out with my friend Beccy, she asked if I missed London — I do, very much so.
For those who don't know, last year I moved back to my home city, Birmingham, for a few reasons: heartbreak, cutting expenses to start a business and finding my feet again as I buried my old identity. Despite being the United Kingdom’s second biggest city, not a lot happens.
Yes, we recently had the Commonwealth Games. But when it comes to activities, meetups, great food or cool stuff, Birmingham lacks all those. The only thing going for Birmingham is a lot of my family live here.
Despite the boringness of it all, I see it as a blessing in disguise — I get to be more intentional with my time and focus on the things I want to do.
Yes, being in London, it’s exciting to have all these opportunities to meet new people, eat great food, go on dates and do cool shit, but I can’t do it all.
My main priority is making writing a full-time vocation, and I don’t think I would’ve been this prolific had I been in London – the distraction is abundant.
I know well from behaviour science that your environment matters a lot.
As James Clear writes in Atomic Habits, “Environment is the invisible hand that shapes human behaviour.”
Despite declining some social events whilst in London, I couldn’t help but feel the gravitational pull of wanting to join in.
When I lived in London, I couldn't help but think: what am I missing out on if I don’t go for drinks? What kind of fun are my friends having at brunch? What have I missed? What if I miss out on a great party?
In other words: fear of missing out (FOMO).
FOMO is prevalent among Millennials and Gen Zs. Social media has allowed us to see what everyone is up to, but that comes with a downside - We think we are missing out, causing us to feel regret and apprehensions that others might be having a blast in our absence.
A survey conducted in the US and UK found that most adults – aged 18 to 34 – want to say yes to everything because of FOMO, leaving many to feel like they don’t have enough energy or time to explore new interests.
Being more intentional with my time showed me there is an alternative to FOMO.
But first, let’s take a look at why FOMO happens.
A Diagnosis Of The Root Cause
Research has found that low life satisfaction, low moods and unmet needs can cause FOMO.
From my experience, I have found this to be true.
Here are some other factors that also exacerbate your FOMO:
Social Media
Studies have shown a high correlation between a person’s usage of social media and FOMO.
Social media allows us to see all the fun things our friends are doing and invokes the FOMO in us. The fact that people also tend to post a well-polished version of their lives on social media amplifies that fear.
Do you know that photo of your female friend looking like she's having the best time on holiday? She's not. She's too pissed off at her boyfriend that he can't get the right angle for the photo. (Source: Me - ex-Instagram boyfriend)
The Fear of Being Alone
There’s a difference between loneliness and solitude.
They are both the same, but the latter is a conscious decision. Solitude is beneficial. Loneliness is a negative feeling.
When viewed through this lens, it’s not hard to see why loneliness can invoke a deep feeling of FOMO. Being alone hurts when all you see is groups of people having a great time together.
Anxious People
Social media is often used as a coping strategy by anxious people – the idea that mindless scrolling is a good way to unwind and relax.
But researchers have found it has the opposite effect — It causes a vicious cycle. They are anxious. They scroll. They see people having a great life. They FOMO and have more anxiety that they’re not living their #bestlife, feel unworthy, and prevent themselves from doing anything else.
You may even end up partaking in activities you don’t even care about, just for FOMO, and ultimately missing out on your life.
Less Is More
As I wrote earlier, being in a rather dull city allowed me to become more intentional with my time.
What I did was embrace the Joy of Missing Out (JOMO).
JOMO means relishing staying in, enjoying my own company, and working on my projects.
In this modern world of infinite choices and information, turning down the noise can help you achieve more.
It’s opting out and saying no to social events you don’t want to be at, limiting your time on social media to once a week, and being intentional with your time.
By practising the JOMO, you cultivate self-discipline, become more comfortable being alone and develop a fulfilling life that is true to you.
I know this all sounds selfish, but it’s also beneficial to those you spend time with — you’re more present in their company.
FOMO distracts you from your life. You don’t need more time in the day. You just need to manage your time in a way that allows you to be intentional.
How To JOMO
When you see everyone living their #bestlife, living the slow life is hard.
It also means you have to sit with yourself and spend time with your deepest thoughts, which can be terrifying. But spending time alone allows you to figure out who you really are and what you want.
It’s so easy to relent to external pressure that may give us short-term satisfaction but long-term regret. It’s easier to go out for a drink or two rather than work on that YouTube video you want to create, the book you want to write or the strength you want to gain. But these nights out add up, and we find ourselves swept away, wishing we had started sooner a few years later.
Here are a few ways I brought more JOMO to my life.
Reflection Journalling
Leslie Lamport once said, "If you’re thinking without writing, you only think you’re thinking."
For this reason, I’m a big fan of writing, specifically journalling. It helps give an objective view of your thinking.
When you journal about how you currently spend your time, it forces you to reflect on the activities that are driven by external pressure as opposed to being intentional.
Journaling helps develop clarity and realign your focus.
Disconnect as often as you can from the online world
Embrace the real world as much as you can.
As I wrote earlier, social media is the leading cause of FOMO. Switch off your phone, disable your notification, put it in a different room, leave the house without it and spend time alone with your thoughts.
Read a book, go for a walk, work out or have a conversation with a friend who, too, wants to disconnect.
Reconnect with what matters most
Be proactive with your time and not reactive.
Schedule time for things that matter to you to make sure they happen.
Every day at 7:30 PM, no matter how swamped or stressed I am with work, I go climbing or to the gym.
I make an active effort to schedule time with the people that matter most.
When I spend time in a meaningful way, I stop worrying about missing out.
An Anecdote To Tie It All Together
A few weeks ago, I attended my friend's wedding. The bride gave a speech, and she recounts a story about my friend's un-laddish behaviour:
"When Alex first moved to Ernest&Young, he was trying to bond with his new colleagues. He would join them in after-work drinks, and after months of trying, he eventually got invited into the WhatsApp group. In the weeks leading up to Christmas, after a rough week at work, the lads in the group organised a piss-up in Bristol. They invited Alex, but he declined. They tried to persuade, cajole and hype up what Alex could be potentially missing out on. Despite their efforts, Alex stood firm and declined their advances. Telling them, "I would rather stay in, save the money I spend on beers and use it to buy presents for my family.” Needless to say, the lads created a new WhatsApp group without Alex."
You won’t regret missing work drinks or not going to that party.
What you will regret is not spending enough time with the people you love, not achieving what you want in life, or not being true to yourself.
Embracing The Joy of Missing Out is a step towards a life of deep fulfilment and priceless memories with those you love.
— Jason Vu Nguyen
I can't help but think that what you call JOMO, my generation called maturing. Doesn't matter what you call it, grabbing control over your life makes things a whole lot easier. On the other hand, the experimentation of youth is critical in helping you decide what's important. In other words, if you survive your 20's....things do get easier.